Have you ever heard the saying “someone has the after Xmas blues” or “I have the after Xmas blues”? That time period after Xmas when all the gifts have been opened, the food has been eaten, and all the visiting with family and friends is done. People go back to their every day lives and often feel a bit down after Xmas because it becomes such a big event for many and is often the time when people feel the happiest during the year. When it’s over it leaves you often feeling like a normal day is hard to adjust to compared to the fun and excitement you experience over the holidays.
The feeling of not being able to turn on the happy switch is what I struggle with every single day. I remember as a child just how excited I would get for Xmas.  Wondering what would be under the tree on Xmas morning, listening to Xmas music, doing fun activities at school and at home during the Xmas holidays is what use to make it my favorite time of year.  I unfortunately now in 2018 have not enjoyed Xmas for years, yes of course I’m never going to feel the way I did as a child during Xmas, but not even being able get enjoyment out of seeing my own children open their gifts makes it a very painful time of year for me because it is a reminder of another thing I have lost to PTSD. I remember what it use to feel like to be happy or excited or surprised,  now I mostly feel sadness which often leads to anger. Guess what? Sadness and depression sucks and it’s something I don’t want to wake up to or go to bed with every single night.  It’s hard to fight anything in life when all your energy and motivation is taken out of you from fighting off the same problem the day before.  I was told for the first time a couple years ago that PTSD is a chronic condition, something I will always have to live with, and something I would always have to manage.  It’s too bad I couldn’t just fire PTSD instead of managing it …. like a manager of a workplace dealing with a problem employee, managing PTSD daily is like going to work with the belief you had made your expectations clear the day before only to discover the next day they are still there fucking up the job. I wish I could give PTSD a pink slip or at least a severance package and have it out of my life once and for all. Yes the ole after Xmas Blues. Mine always seems to hang around just in time for the next holidays.